Although there is quite a bit to get caught up on, I feel that recent events require the most attention. The most recent events have been quite traumatic to say the least for this Mommy and while I am trying my best to acclimate my heart still wonders "What in the heck happened?" Okay let me just come out with it. My three oldest children whom I have homeschooled the past several years have returned to public school. I will admit when they first approached me with this notion, my immediate answer was NO! With every cell in my body, I was not ready to let go. My identity had so been wrapped in them the past three years (and frankly still is), all of my efforts during the school year, were for them.
I didn't realize how my heart would ache to be with them during the day. I can't tell you how many times I have gone to tell them something, or show them something and they were gone. Granted they are a couple of blocks away and I go up to the school frequently, but it is not the same; I have had to let go of control and trust that God has them. That honestly has been the most difficult part of letting my babies go, knowing that they were going to be safe in His hands. I didn't want them to become scarred by the world, or have their innocence stripped. I have tried very hard (perhaps to a fault) of maintaining their innocence, we live in a cruel world that already wants them to grow up faster than they need too. I just want them to grow up as slowly as possible and enjoy their childhood, without the pressures, thoughts, opinions and harshness of the world.
I struggle with trusting God and wanting my kids back in my arms, in my home, in our jammies (learning of course). The thing though that I have had to remind myself, too many times to count,is that they, belong to Him. They are not mine, and His plans for them are certainly greater than any plans I have conjured up in my limited mind. The funny thing about this is Jaden is who ultimately (other than God) opened my crying eyes to being okay with the notion of them returning. I prompted (okay insisted) him to tell or give me one good reason why they ought to go back to public school, to which he responded " Mom, you always tell us you want us to be a light in the world, well how am I supposed to be a light, when you won't let me in the world?". Ouch. That hurt. I had been training them, raising them and encouraging them over the past several years to stand out, be different and make an impact for the kingdom of Christ.
I believe that He will use them for such a time as this and that they will be a light in a dark place.
I believe that He gave me those several years with my children to build up their faith, teach them how to defend their faith and be bold in their faith and convictions. I have no doubts that the timing is all God's and have had to learn that just because it was the right decision, doesn't make it the easiest. God often grows and stretches us during trying or difficult times. I have to cling to the knowledge that I do not go through this alone, that not only is He with me, but He is with the kids. He is going before them, and giving them favor among their peers and teachers.
As I am learning that the right choice is not the easiest, I am discovering myself. Who I am in Christ, who I am as a mother, a wife,a daughter,a friend, an aunt, what have you, I am re-writing my story in a sense, because honestly I am lost without my kids. I am a wreck without their presence, their laugh, even their fighting in my everyday life. Although this change is not my favorite, and I wouldn't have chosen it on my own, I am grateful for a Savior that eases my pain, dries the many tears I have cried, and bestows grace as I make mistakes a long my re-written story. I pray that as the weeks continue this process of letting them go every morning (for what feel like an eternity to me) will become easier, that my heart with begin to mend, in the meantime each morning is like a fresh band-aide being ripped off a wound, creating a broken and lost me, waiting for them to return back home from school.
